Lost my keys, maybe my mind

Yesterday, I lost my car keys at Walmart.

I rarely shop there. The sheer size of the place gives me hives. I think I have the opposite of claustrophobia. But then again it really isn't the fear of large spaces either, more like the fear of large spaces crammed with discounted maroon slippers and giant tins of popcorn.

For that reason I will never ever ever darken the door of a Costco, no matter how cheap the toilet paper is. It could be free for all I know.

Anyway, so I'm approaching my car after my once yearly venture into a gianormo store. My minivan now has a cart propped against the front bumper because after all that shopping in the giant discount store, it would be too much effort for a person to return the cart ten feet away in the car wrangler. I push that cart and mine to the cart return. I convince Little Guy to walk back to our car while holding my hand.

But, I've made it, the two year old, the megastore, the one item on Girlie's Christmas list that forced us in there, and I feel a little triumphant, really.

I pull out my keys. I unlock the car, put my bags in, wrestle Little Guy into the car using the entire weight of my body to push him into the carseat while he screams "I want to walk self! I want to walk big boy!". I buckle the clasps on the seat, toss him a toy train, which he promptly tosses over his shoulder, open the front door, and slide into the driver's seat. Whew. Can't wait to get home.

And that's when I notice it.

My key ring has fallen apart. I have the house key, I have the button that unlocks the car, but I don't have the key that will get me in between, the one to start the ignition.

I search the car, I search the area around the car, I search the lot as far away as I can walk without unbuckling the grizzly bear who is glaring at me from the backseat of the van. Nothing.

So it's back into the mega gianormo Walmart to look for my key. By this time Little Guy has lost it. He's now screaming and flailing and I'm that chick with the kid who's flipping out and everyone is wondering why I don't just leave the store.

Because I can't leave people. My car keys are gone. It is my worst nightmare.

Finally, a Christmas miracle occurs. An employee finds my key somewhere. We get back in the car. I pull away. And I swear I am never going back. Really I don't have to. Because big gianormo mega super Walmart has an even bigger website.

And you can't lose your keys surfing the web.

What ales me...

So I have been on a quest to get Sweetwater Ale, an Atlanta beer that I swear I have had since moving to Arizona. I would like to serve it alongside the southern style smoked pork we are serving at a BBQ this weekend. BBQ & southern beer; I have a theme going.

Because I was desperate and probably a little delirious from the over 100 heat, I went to Walmart earlier this week just to make sure they didn't have it. I don't know what possessed me to go there, except it seems like they have everything and usually it's pretty cheap.

From the get-go that place just ticks me off. First, I have to navigate the enormous parking lot which is full of random loose carts. It makes my blood boil when people won't walk the extra TEN feet required to put a cart back into the cart returns. And, somehow, Walmart shoppers are the worst of the bunch. Really people, I am thinking the cart full of 2 liter Diet Cokes aren't going to help much if you can't bring yourself to walk a few feet out of your way. Oh, and maybe put back the gargantuan bag of Cheetos. But, I digress.

Determined to get my beer, I grab an orphan cart and head for the double doors. I pass the obligatory old lady greeter, dodge the towering display of 2 for 1 packs of men's knee socks, and weave through the rows of pink terry zipper front night gowns, after which I finally find myself in the grocery department.

They have a whole aisle for chips. I am not kidding.

Anyway, I cruise past the chips and keep looking until I spot the aisle labeled beer & wine. I head that way. Here is where the whole story takes an ugly turn.

Turns out, Walmart does not have a decent selection of beer. Maybe this shouldn't surprise me, but it does! You can get a bag of chips the size of a small child and a jar of 700 pickles for only $3, but don't go to Walmart for your beer.

They had more wine than beer. I am not kidding.

So, no Sweetwater Ale. And no more trips to Walmart. At least until I need more of those pickles... one down, 699 to go.