Doing the math

Numbers have been swirling in my head lately.

One of my closest friends just visited. While she was here, we calculated that we have been friends for 26 years now. She met me when I was 11 years old and said that she sees little glimpses of the girl she met so many years time ago when she looks at my 7 year old daughter. Amazing.

My girlfriend was an only child too, and we decided very early in the relationship to go ahead and be sisters. She was a few years older than me, had her own horse, and taught me how to ride it. She owned the Thriller album when I wasn't allowed to because of the suggestive lyrics. She always was the older wiser one, a person I could depend on to tell the truth. She was the one I went to when I wanted to know about tampons. She was the one that explained that french kissing included tongues (my first thought, ewww). She was also the first person to see me drunk. I love catching up with her and don't get to as often as I would like to. She is probably the only person besides my husband who has truly witnessed the way I grew up from a very early age.

This year I will turn 37. It is significant in that I will have lived away from my parents longer than I lived with them. I have always kept this year in the back of my mind as some sort of milestone. Like, for better or for worse, I must accept that my life from here on out is purely about my own choices. The scales have tipped in my favor and I cannot for any reason assign blame to someone or something else or insinuate that anything I do is because of anyone but me.

I don't know if the balance will really shift and I will be able to achieve what I am looking for by the time my birthday actually rolls around, just 6 months from now. I am not sure if I will really let go of anything entirely or even if it makes sense to strive for it.

I do know that just a few days ago I hugged a special woman, my oldest friend, who has known me for two-thirds of my life. We said goodbye (for now) and she says has never seen me happier. So maybe I am on to something.

I am counting on it.